Top 5 Best Movie Theater Candies
Over the past month I've been considering the direction I want to take with this newsletter, how to make it sustainable and engaging for my audience. After much thought and many sleepless nights, I realized I should follow my heart and write about my true passion: movie theater concessions.
Popcorn! Candy that comes in a box! Big soda! A hot dog for some reason!
Why do we go to the movie theater? To sit in a dark room and be collectively transported to a different reality? No (idiot)! It's to pay large amounts of US dollars for food and drink that you'll absentmindedly eat during the 30 minutes of pre-show ads they make us sit through for some reason.
To kick off this bold new direction for Cinema Tyler, I'd like to present my mathematically perfect ranking of the top 5 best movie theater candies.
#5. Junior Mints
The thinking man's movie candy. Its packaging promises a refreshing and refined experience while the candies themselves possess the sleek curves of an Art Deco streamline locomotive. Connoisseurs know to ask the monsieur behind the counter for the boxes stored in the refrigerator, a style they say elevates the flavor and mouthfeel. It's a confection with only one downside: midway through the box you realize you've eaten several handfuls of chocolate covered mint paste and your taste buds can't remember what real flavor even is.
#4. Milk Duds
When asked about his favorite candy, Timothée (wait, is that really how you spell that?) Chalamet—our finest and least controversial actor—responded:
Milk Duds. I rip Milk Duds. I'm talking twelve at a time. Chew, chew, chew—suck the chocolate out, soak in the caramel.
I'm not kidding. That's a real quote.
#3. Sour Patch Kids
It's important to note that Sour Patch Kids are only counted as a movie candy if they come in a box. Any candy that comes in a bag is not true theater candy. Arguing with me on this point will result in removal from the newsletter distribution list and public ridicule.
#2. Raisinets
When I was a kid I thought of these as an old person's candy. Well, the joke was on me because one day I became old and realized that Raisinets are fantastic. Not only can you pretend that the raisins make them technically healthy, but each piece of candy varies in size and shape, making them a fun enrichment activity for your mouth!
#1. Hot Tamales
Whoever thought to take concentrated artificial cinnamon flavor and put it into a waxy candy form deserves a goddamn Nobel Prize.
If you don't agree with me I feel bad for you.
I hope you enjoyed this exciting new direction for Cinema Tyler and I hope you have a lovely April Fools Day.
Tyler Haas